


A Light Burns Bright In The Darkness

by Superooosssshhhhh



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, I'm Sorry, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Rape Recovery, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-12 19:17:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7119154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superooosssshhhhh/pseuds/Superooosssshhhhh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After suffering through a tough training session with Snoke, Kylo flees The First Order with a certain General. With nowhere to go, injured and bleeding they turn to the only place they can The Resistance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kylo

The cold of the chamber hits Kylos naked skin making him shiver as Snoke lies unmoving at his feet, he should feel lose at his masters death, he feels nothing but an emptiness that chips away at his insides until there is less and less of him. He can feel blood going down his thighs, he knows he needs medical attention Snoke must have tore him inside there is too much blood. He begins to think of his death and how fitting it would be for him to die side by side with his master. The rule of two states that he is now the Sith master, he doesn't feel like a Sith he doesn't even feel like Kylo Ren. I need to go. He chants to himself as he picks up his robes, he dresses carefully as the blood is soaked up by the fabric.

He is dressed in his robes when he makes an escape from the chamber; his bloodied feet are bare making wet noises that remind him too much of Snoke, his sore behind making him wince with every step, his legs are like lead but he forces himself to move. Walking hurts, breathing hurts, everything hurts. But he forces himself to take step after step until he reaches the hanger. A trail of blood is left in his wake, he senses Hux not far behind him. He hears "Ren!" Kylo turns to see the general moving towards him fast. He isn't fast enough to outrun him so he braces himself against a wall and waits for Hux to find him.

"He hurt you again didn't he?" Kylo looks at him for a moment. "For kriff sakes. What have you done?" The gingers gloved hand touches his shoulder and Kylo flinches so hard that he falls to the floor. Hux crouches down to his level. "I... I think I killed him, Hux." Green eyes narrow at him as the weight of those words hit the general. "You killed Leader Snoke?" Hux asks, Kylo can only nod as Hux pinches the bridge of his nose before looking back at him. "You know that you can't stay here, don't you?" He gives Hux another nod. Unbidden memories of a little red headed boy suffering beatings and whippings flit through his mind. "I should kill you." He says quietly. "I remind you too much of you." He says with a phantom smile. "You do." He says after a minute. "If you stay I'll have to kill you." Hux looks at the Knight of Ren sitting on the floor in an enormous amount of pain. "Go. Get out before I change my mind."

Hux helps Kylo stand slowly as Kylo winces loudly. "Come with me, Hux." He looks in to Kylos eyes and he finds himself wondering what the general is seeing in them. Kylo finds himself wanting to beg and he knows Hux can see it, maybe it's why he agrees. "We can take the unmarked shuttle, it can't be tracked." Kylo begins to limp away with the prim and proper general. "We need to get you healed, Ren." He says with a hint of compassion in his voice. The Knight can only thank him and limp as Hux holds himself back from touching the Knight. Hux half drags him to the the shuttle before dispositing Kylo on the floor before preparing to take off. Hux waits until he is authorised to take off. Kylo leaves everything he had fought for, bled for and killed for, and Kylo feels nothing at all as drifts away in no particular direction. But he feels the weight of the loss of The First Order going through Hux in molten hot waves of lava.

Kylo lies on the floor of the unmarked shuttle not knowing where to suggest that they go, nowhere will want him or Hux, the darkness in him is too powerful he destroys all light around him; he will even take Hux down with him it seems. He has no idea what to do so he sits feeling the soaked fabric of his trousers and the edges of his robes. He sighs loudly as a horrible pain shoots through him. "Hey breathe. In and out." "I know how to kriffing breathe you idiot." Hux puts his hand out to him but Kylos memory is full of hands, screaming and terrible pain. He finds himself breathing too fast, gulping in air like it were water and he had been lost in a desert for weeks. Snoke is dead, I have nothing now. It hurts as he realises that he has nowhere to go and nothing to turn to. "Any ideas where we can go, Ren?" Snoke had told him that he has no family that wants him and he was right. The family that longed for their son belonged to Ben Solo, Kylo Ren had murdered him years ago. So he mutters a simple, heartwrenching "No."

Kylo looks out in the depths of space, he feels alone yet not in a terrible way, his pain comforts him in an odd way but it makes him so tired. Pain was a fuel of power but his power had drained like the blood from Snokes body. He wants to remember his training from Snoke but Kylo can't. His mind is full of those cold, bony, spiderlike fingers gripping him in ways that he didn't want to think of. The blood on his legs is drying pulling on his skin make him want to itch. His head pounds as his eyes begin to droop as Hux begins looking for the medkit. Hux lifts up the robes he wears and in his mind Kylo knows that his wounds need a droid, the damage to his body is too great. The movement causes pain that is so intense and all consuming that it makes him fall to the floor, curling in to himself but not before he closes his eyes, drifting off in to a dream filled with Bens father. Han solo is older with a wrinkled face and a head of grey hair but the same clothes and attitude.

His eyes open as Hux allows Han to enter the ship with Chewie in toe. Kylo doesn't miss the glare he gives Hux before the old weathered eyes find him lying on the floor slowly dying. He closes his eyes not wanting to see the hatred that the man feels towards him because Kylo did kill his only son, he hears Hans sobs, feels him holding his body close to the chest of a man that smells of grease, sweat and the faint smell of burning. Kylo opens his eyes when he feels hands grabbing him, pulling him close. "No!" He screams at the hands, he pushes himself away violently leaving a bloody smear on the floor. Chewie stands tall holding the tall ginger man in a grip that looks painful as Kylo trembles. "You're scaring him." Hux says with a sad voice. "He doesn't like to be touched." Han looks at the man with eyes that seem to have aged considerably since he looked upon his sons killer. "What did you do to him?" Kylo can't seem to form any words to talk to the man so Hux talks instead, saying two words that sum up everything. "Snoke happened."

Han sits on his heels looking down at the blood coming from Kylo. "Ben, come with me." He shakes his head softly. "I'm not Ben." He says weakly. "Ren, we need to go with him. You need help." Han offers his hand to his son. "Come on, kid." The way that sounds coming from the man before him walms Kylo, he wants to take the hand that is being offered to him but he can't move. Bens fathers dark eyes meet his, the emotions in them hurts him more than he cares to admit. Shame fills him and he makes himself look at the floor. He knows Hux will think him weak, he would be right in that as he makes himself say quietly. "I can't move." Chewie releashes his hold on Hux and moves over to him and scooping him up in his arms. Kylo fights down the panic that threatens to take him over as hands touch him. His breathing gets faster and Han begins to ask him and Hux about how they got the ship. Kylo wants to laugh loudly but he can't.

He is carried on to their ship, Hux walks up to the seated area and does something Kylo never thought that he would see from the general, he takes off the black jacket him and drapes it over the seat. This small offering of comfort shocks him as Chewie places him on the sitting area with Huxes jacket under his bottom half. The jacket also soaks some of the blood that is seepin through his trousers. As Chewie pulls away Kylo sees his blood covering the Wookies arm. He feels a wave of guilt pass through him at the mess he's making. "I'm sorry." He whispers over and over again as darkness begins to take over his body. He doesn't get to hear a reply from any of them as he slips away. This time his dreams are full of hands, teeth and thrusting that doesn't seem to stop. He wakes up to Hux shaking him with concern in his eyes. "You were crying in your sleep, Ren." Kylo begins to move but cries out at the pain that goes through the bottom half of his body. Chewie sits beside him like a warm pillow. "I'm sorry." He says again so softly that it's almost as if he isn't the one saying it. Tears fill his eyes as he sits up. "What in the kriffing hell did he do to you?" Han says from the side of the room. Hux brushes the hair from his eyes, but it reminds him too much of a hand on his head forcing him to take Snoke in to his mouth.

He finds himself gasping out a "I can't..." Kylo shakes his head "Please don't make me." He makes a choked sobbing sound. "Shhhh, shhhh. No ones going to make you do anything." Han Solos face is a picture of sorrow and horror as he closes the distance between himself and the monster that killed his son. "I'm sorry." Kylo looks at Han who is paler than usual. Hux is visually uncomfortable as he is the main obstacle between the two. So he stands and abandons Kylo to the man that would doom him to the light. "Don't apologise. Son you're safe." Both Hux and Chewie watch silently as Han kneels down to take Kylos hands in his. "Snoke isn't here." Han says with a soft voice. Kylo can't help but flinch at the name being said aloud to him. He had won his title of Kylo Ren and had been known as such ever since. The though occurs to him that Snoke had made him call him master whenever Kylo was being punished, rewarded or he was just desired by Snoke.

Ben takes over before Kylo can bury him. "Dad, I killed him. I killed S-Snoke." The name almost gets trapped in his throat but it forces its way out of him as if it has been festering within him for years and he finds that it has. Ben wraps his arms around Hans neck, Han hugs him back before pulling away to look Ben in the eyes. "It's ok, you did good. You need sleep, son." He holds Bens face with both hands before kissing his forehead. Ben can't help but nod and move to lie down before hissing at the pain. Chewie helps lie Ben down with his head on the Wookies lap. The force user begins to close his eyes and he slips in to a fitful sleep as they make their way towards the Resistance base.


	2. Chapter 2

Leia

Han lands the ship haphazardly, Leia stands surrounded by her gaurds and some pilots gather around to see who was landing. When the ramp comes down to the floor a worried Han walks down with Chewie behind him and General Hux follows them. It takes a moment to see the limp black body in Chewies arms and all else is forgotten. Han comes closer and the smell of blood hits Leia like a slap to the face. She looks down at the face of the body in Chewies arms, it is a face that she had dreamt of seeing again but never like this. Her sons face is deathly pale, covered in sheen of sweat and twisted in pain. "Get him to medical now!" She shouts. Hux stands ramrod straight as she watches medical personnel show up with a gurney to take him away, as Chewie lays him on it she notices the dried blood on the bare feet of her son.

Everyone around her watches Ben get wheeled away and then eyes fall to the General. The ginger man that looks so familiar watches her son disappear, she moves to stand infront of his line of sight. "General Organa." His greeting is as cold as the snows on Hoth but she ignores it. "General Hux." His blue eyes meet her brown "I'm not a general anymore." She finds herself wanting to thank him bur she doesn't. "Are you injured, general?" "No, Kylo bears the wounds of this fight and I'm no longer a general" "If you aren't a general then what should I call you?" His face is unreadable as she speaks. "Hux, is fine." "Why not Brendol? You do share your fathers name?" The young man before her grows angry at that name, she can feel it through the force, she knows he's restraining himself from insulting her. She uses the force to sneak in to his mind, she looks through his memories, she sees him as a boy of around nine standing naked and shivering infront of his father in a what looks like a interregation room. There are whip marks along his back and thighs, bruises along his ribs from what she suspects is a boot. His eyes are full of unshed tears, a booming voice fills his head with insults of him being weak and a disappointment.

He notices her in his memories before he pushes her out. "You'd do well to stay out of my head, general." He says sharply. "As you wish." She almost shows him pity but she stops herself. He was a General; a man of immense power and respect in The First Order, pity would only cause him insult. Leia couldn't bring herself to insult the man that had brought her son back to her. "Well then Hux my guards will show you to a room where you can rest, we will meet again in the morning." He nods and thanks her before he is guided away by some guards, as he's lead away from the hanger he turns around "General, could you please tell me if there is any change in his condition?" There is a look of compassion in his eyes. "Of course, Hux." He offers her a polite smile and walks away. It's not until he's gone that Han pulls her to his chest, he smells of blood, sweat and tears but she allows his arms to hold her close.

He lets her go as Chewie moves to hug her, that's when she sees the blood matting the fur of the Wookie. "We should go talk alone." Her husbands voice is full of emotion. She nods at him and gives orders for the ship to be refueled. Her, Chewie and Han walk in a horrible silence that hurts her head. "Chewie there is a refresher in my chambers. You should get that off." He growls "Where?" at her and she points him to a door at the side of her. "Come on." She says to him as they walk in. As soon as the door closes she asks "You found him like that?" Her voice is weak, lacking the authoritive tone she often uses. Chewie disappears in to the refreasher to rid himself her sons blood. Hans face is solemn as he nods. "He was on the floor. The ginger kid had tried to tend his wounds but it had been too painful for Ben so he'd stopped. I tried to get him to come with us but he couldn't move, it hurt so much. We brought them both on board and Ben had slept. The kid had to wake him up, he was screaming in his sleep."

Han sits on the corner of her bed. "Snoke hurt our son." His voice cracks as tears fall from his dark eyes. "There was so much blood, Leia." She wants to heave, rage, cry but she makes herself stand still and hold Hans head to her chest. "It was like he was waiting to die, Hux convinced him to come here with us." He says to her. Out of all the horrible things Leia had felt nothing compared to that, her heart breaks and she crys with the man she had married. "He's home now. He's safe. We won't let Snoke hurt him again." She runs her hands through his grey hair. He pulls his head from her chest and looks at her face. "He's dead." She looks in to the eyes of the man she loves taking in those words. "Ben killed him. He told me." Her happiness at her sons freedom is soured by the pain Snoke had pit him through. "What did he do to our sweet babe?" She asks him. Leia knows that her son is neither sweet nor a babe anymore. He had grown up to be a vicious man. But she can't look at him without seeing the babe at her breast, the boy terrified of his own power and the teen with tears in his eyes as they left him with her brother. "He said things to me. Ben begged me not to make him do things." Hans voice is whisper faint. "I think... I think he raped our boy."

Leia had suspected as much when she had seen all of his blood. "We can get Ben through this. Snoke is dead." Her voice has none of the hope that Leia had held in her heart for so long. Ben may have turned his back on Snoke and The First Order but he had not returned of his own accord. She had sensed his pain in the force and received a message from the shuttle requesting help. She had suspected it was the man thay held her son so she'd sent a message out to Han to look for a shuttle. Within the the say he had sent a message back to D'Qar saying he had Ben and a General Hux. Leia had looked forward to seeing her son but now she didn't. It would hurt too much to see what Snoke had done to her boy. Ben had been her precious little boy in her heart she knows that he wasn't anymore, he had become Kylo Ren, a man with a ruthless reputation for torture and murder. He is still within him somewhere and it is up to her and Han to draw him back out. But the general is another matter, she had known Brendol Hux from before the fall of the Empire. He had been a cold, ruthless, brutal man who would stop at nothing to get what he wants.

She pushes the horrible man out of her head and her thoughts return to her injured son. "I'm going to go to medical and see him." She moves towards the door, Han follows her but not before shouting "We're going to see him." out to Chewie who whines "Wait for me." in response through the door. Leia feels Hans love for the Wookie is as strong as ever. "I think it's best not to overcrowd him. When he wakes you'll be the first to know, ok?" A short growl reaches Leias ears. "Good." She feels the sadness in it without the use of the force. "Come on." Leia all but orders. So they make their way to the medical wing. People mumble "General." to her as they go. They walk in to the medical room, a short, slim female doctor walks over to them with short brown hair and a grim expression. "General Organa, follow me please." Leias hands shake, her stomach twists painfully and every step seems to take a lifetime. They enter a solitary room, her son lies on the bed naked with only a short white sheet to cover his dignity.

Her sons chest is covered with minor cuts that have become infected, her eyes notice both new and old bite marks on his shoulders. She wants to gag but she can't. Han moves to the Bens side and takes his hand as a med droid sews up one of the longer cuts along the side of his ribs on his left side. "I'm sorry, general but the damage to his body has been extensive." The doctor had noticed the look on her face. "He's lost a lot of blood, we had to give him a transfusion, he shows signs of extensive sexual assault. As you can see he has scars both old and new, we are sewing the newer ones up, we'll over them in bacta to make sure they heal right. We also did a scan and found a few older breaks in his fingers, arms, ribs and one of his legs. These have all been mended." Leia can't help but cry. "With our help he will heal. We have given sedatives for the pain so he's not likely to wake up until tomorrow." Han lets out a sob as he clutches their sons hand. "Would you like a few moments alone?" Leia nods slightly.

She leaves the two with their vulnerable son. Leia moves to his free side opposite Han. The droid begins to sew a few cuts on his knees. She looks at his dark brown hair and runs her fingers through it, his previously relaxed face twists and she sees a memory belonging to Ben in her mind. _A teenage_ _Ben is bare as the day he came on to the world, his clothes scattered over the floor near him.  He on his knees between the legs of a cloaked creature of a man that sits before him on a stone throne. His scarred face twisted in pleasure as he has a hand in Bens brown hair guiding head up and down. He finishes after a few moments though it feels like a lifetime. "Swallow, my apprentice." So he does, Snoke pushes him away. Ben stands waiting to be dismissed. "You have your reward. Now go and prepare to face Kylo Ren. You are to take his title as the master of the Knights of Ren." Ben nods and dresses in dark robes. "Do not fail me boy. You remember what happened last time?" Ben shudders and leaves the throne room._ Leias stomach twists painfully and she gags before emptying the contents of her stomach in to a metal bowl nearby.

Han is at her side a few moments later. "Leia, look at me. What did you see?" She shakes her head, whispering "I can't." Over and over again. He pulls her to his chest again, sharing a moment of horrified intimacy before the doctor renters the room. She clears her throat as the smuggler and the ex princess pull away from eachother. "I'm sorry to disturb you but it is a good idea for you two to get some rest. He's safe here, we will notify you if anything changes at all." Leia kisses her sons brow for the first time in nearly 10 years then she leaves with Han. She can't help but think of all the times Ben would have a nightmare and they would put him back to bed. He had his troubles like any child but his had always been much worse. They fall back to her room, the smell of wet fur fills the room Leia finds herself thinking back to the copper smell that had followed them off the freighter. "Chewie?" Han calls out but he doesn't respond. "He's probably on the ship." Suddenly Leia feels drained both physically and emotionally. "Would you hold me?" She says to the man whom she had loved for years. He gives her a little cheeky smile and nods. She lies on the bed and he beside her.

They both relax in to eachother as she breathes in his scent. He has one arm under her neck and the other draped over her waist. Han falls to sleep and Leia follows him. Her dreams are full of the scarred man torturing her boy. She watches as Snoke broke his fingers before making Ben mend them, she watches a stormtrooper beat Ben bloody then she watches Ben kill that stormtrooper with hatred in his eyes and she then sees her sons hands goes through Huxs hair they both wear smiles. When she wakes her cheeks are wet with tears as she thinks back to the horrors she had seen, Ben had been a boy in the vision he had unwittingly shown her, he had barely been a man when Snoke had done those horrific things to him. _How can we stop a man like that?_ She finds herself asking herself. A sense of dread washes over her like a black cloud sucking away all the hope she had at having her son back.

She tries to relax at the familiar feeling of Hans breath on her neck, Leia finds his warmth is comforting. "You were crying in your sleep. Are you ok?" She covers his hand with hers. "I dreamt of Ben being tortured. I saw things, Han." She lets a sob leave her lips. He pulls her closer, burying his head in her hair, he holds her to him. "He's home. With us and that bastard is dead, just as he deserves." She knows he's right but in her heart she still feels her sons pain gnawing away at her without mercy. His pain is strong through the force, it feels it for the all consuming force it is. "He's hurting." She whispers to the man that had held her hand through the birth of their son, stood next to her as she had sent their son away to train, held her close to him as they had mourned the disappearance of their son and brought him back. Han had been there for her since he and Luke had some for her at The Deathstar.

They had saved her from Tarkin and Vader - her father - the man who had brought down the Jedi Order, had murdered countless men, women and children. Vader had become Anakin Skywalker and saved Luke from the Emperor, but he hadn't saved her. Vader had helped in her torture, he'd ripped in to her mind as droids had tortured her body and then had held her still as she watched Alderran get blown up. Her son had done similar things in his life but he wasn't Vader. He was just lost in a sea of pain, darkness and self hatred. It was up to Leia and Han to find him and bring him back to the light. "The painkillers must be wearing off, we've been asleep for hours." Painful tears come to her eyes as she say in voice full of grief "He is causing himself pain. He's clinging to the dark like it is a lifeline. He's going to tear himself apart." Han lies there silent for a moment that feels like an eternity. "It is 19:27. I'd say it's about time for some food, come on Leia." He moves away from her and she feels the loss of his heat like the pain of a lightsaber pressed ever so gently against the skin. But she had never even held one before. _This is Bens memory._ She realises as bile rises in her stomach again.

Her husband stands by the door looking at her with eyes just as mischievous as the first time she had seen him. She sits on the side of the bed. "Han, I don't think I can stomach food." He hears her stomach grumble loudly and he gives her a look which says 'I'm right and you know it.' So she slowly gets to her feet. "If I'm ill you're cleaning it up." Then she remembers Hux. "Kriff the general. I said I'd tell him how Ben is." Han looks at her as if she had lost her mind. "I know I can't talk you out of it so just eat first, ok?" She finds herself smiling at him. "Come on." She leads Han to the mess hall, Leia doesn't fail to notice that it is almost empty, they choose their meals and take their seats. They eat with a silence hanging over them like a shroud, worry gnawing away at them from the inside. They then stand, clear up their meals and make their way to the command room to find where Hux has been taken.

They find out he has been taken to a room on the far side of the base. The room is a sterile white with a small bed in the corner. When they walk in he is lay on the bed facing the wall door, he looks tense she notices. "Hux?" She askes and he turns his head to face her. His red hair is a mess, clothes rumpled but it's his fave that is worse. He has a slit lip, bruises on his neck in the shape of hands and a swollen eye. "Kriffing hell, kid. You look awful." Han says. Hux chooses to ignore this and just asks "How is he?" The voice of the former general cracks and sounds painful. "He'll recover, he's getting the best treatment. Who did this to you?" The man before her sits up with a grimace and looks at her. "Does it really matter?" He says nonchalantly. "Of course it does." Her voice is stern as she speaks. "No one cares what happens to 'First Order Scum' like me, General." He gives a humourless smile. "Besides I've had worse." The image of the beaten redheaded boy comes back to her. "You have." She says with a sadness in her voice. "You know you're so different from Ren. When he's up here" he gestures to his head "He scorches a trail through your mind. It feels like he's ripping you apart from the inside. Whereas you, I could barely tell you were there. Your presence is calming but still unwanted."

Leia looks at the man sat looking up at her. "I wanted to know more about the poster boy of The First Order. I had no idea I would see that, I was looking for why you would abandon The Order and bring us The Master Of The Knights Of Ren." His blue green eyes are full of empathy. "If you want answers look in your sons head. I only saw the aftermath of Snoke. As to why, well he needed help so I helped him." Leia looks at the bruised man before her. "But why did you give up being a general of The First Order? To help him? A man you barely know?" He holds her gaze as she lets a "Oh." fall out of her mouth. "You haven't fallen for him have you, kid?" Han japes as Hux glances his way. "I just hate useless pain." His eyes have gone far away Leia notes. "Why would you say it was useless?" The man before her is brought back from wherever he had drifted off to. "I know better than most that pain is a forceful motivator, it sometimes gives you the strength to carry on when you want to give up but what Snoke was doing wasn't helping Ren get stronger, he was just making him more unhinged. He was a walking tornado, he always had his tantrums but more and more people began to suffer the end pf them." He hasn't changed that much than, she thinks to herself. "So I tried to talk to him, I demanded to look upon the face I was screaming at and he took off his mask that's when I saw he was bleeding, he'd been beaten and had bruises all over him. So I cleaned him up, healed him, took care of him. He'd come to see me whenever he needed to." Leia can't help that her mouth hangs open at his admission of affection? If it could be called that. 

"Do you love him?" Hans asks wary of the man before them. "I..." Hux stops himself before continuing. "I don't know." He says almost to himself. The former general drifted away in to his own head for a moment and Leia tries to imagine her son, her Ben in the arms of Brendol Hux II. Yes the man had a tender spot for her son but he had been sired by a monster that stole children away to become killers and this man had futhered the work, he had spent years washing so many lives away for nothing, a cause he had given up on. Her son was the reason behind his desertion. "You left everything you have ever known for him, I would say that you do." She puts a hand on his shoulder and moves away from him. "I'll send a med droid to you." She says as she makes her way out of the room, he shakes his head at her words. "Very well then. Get some sleep, Hux." She leaves him there in a room on his own, to go and see the boy she had brought in to the world.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am warning everyone here that there is the reference of the rape of a underage Hux. I am warning you so if you feel like you can't read it you don't have to. I don't want anyone to be triggered by this. I've warned you about it. 
> 
> Here's a brief summery of the chapter for those of you that can't read it; Hux waits to see Kylo and tries to decide what to do with himself now without The Order.

There is a thumping in his head from the beating he had been subjected to by members of the Resistance, it doesn't hurt as much as his fathers beatings had. Hux lies on the bed, he allows his thoughts to go to Kylo Ren. The Knight he had cleaned up after everything that had been done to him and the inane fits of anger; where nothing was safe from his destructive force. When Hux had earned his title of general he had been introduced to the tall, dark, man-child that was Kylo Ren, he remembers thinking that the ridiculous mask of his must be a horrific disfigurement. The distorted voice of the man had sent shivers down Huxs spine; there was a certain power to that helmet that would make any lesser man would have quivered in their boots but he was a general; born for greatness and power. He remembers how he had stared in to that black and silver mask without fear of the man beneath it.

Now he sits in a kriffing Resistance base waiting for news of that same man. He had had all his father ever wanted for himself; his own ship to command, the loyalty and respect of his men and the best was that he was content with his life. Before the blasted Kylo Ren Hux had come in to his life he had not wanted nor required any form of affection from anyone. Kylo had blown his life in to chaos, it made him angry as Hux had clawed his power from the people that had come before him. Before he knew the price of Kylos power Hux had despised the Knight purely for the fact that he hadn't earnt the powers he posessed. Even after all the times Hux had helped Ren he still felt a pang of guilt go through him when he thinks of that hatred he had for Kylo. Now Hux just wants to know how Kylo is, he doesn't care about anything else. He knows there is no possible way back to The First Order, the High Command would replace him and put a bounty on his head. He really had given up his life for Kylo Kriffing Ren, _I might have well of put a blaster in my mouth and blown my head off._

He knows that they will find him soon enough, they will end him and everyone here but without Snoke, himself and Ren they would struggle to gain back control of their systems. He had been raised to believe that The First Order was all that mattered, his wants and needs only mattered if it profited The Order in some way. His fayher had raised him to strive for perfection in everything around him in some ways it that need for perfection that made him such a accomplished general. His men had been loyal to him, his ship had had an impeccable record when it came to serving The First Order. Theses thoughts are sour to him as it mattered very little now. He had betrayed everything that he had ever believed in for a man he shouldn't care about at all. Hux lies back down on the bed, he is used to sleeping through the aches of a beating. His father had given him plenty of practice with pain when he was just a boy.

He closes his aching eyes. _He_ _is back in his childhood room, he hears the door open and the sound of heavy boots walking in. Slowly getting closer and closer to the bed, he scrunches his eyes as a hand pulls the blanket away. "I know you're awake boy. Look at me." So Hux opens his eyes and looks at his fathers eyes as he begins pulling at the black pyjamas Hux wears. "You are beautiful, you know. As useless as you are there is still use for you." He knows what's coming, he knows his father will force himself in to him. He knows the pain will linger for days and it_ ** _hurts_** _that it doesn't stop. His fathers touch on his skin is featherlight; it feels like his father is mocking him, tormenting him almost. He had always wanted his father to show him love but never like_ ** _this;_** _this was sick, disgusting and it made him feel so, so dirty. Hux feels his father pull down his bottoms and climb between his legs. He can't hold in the scream that is ripped from his throat. His father quickly smothers it with a hand and carries on his assault, Hux repeatedly cries out as the man who had sired him finds his release. Without another words his father leaves him alone, he knows there are tears streaming down his face when the door closes. Hux slowly pulls up his bottoms, straightens out his top and curls up in to a ball. He silently sobs until everything fades away._

He wakes up sweaty, panting, panicked. He hadn't had that dream in years, he buries the memory deep down inside where it belongs. He rubs his eyes before sitting up; Huxs throat hurts as if he's been screaming, he wants to think he hasn't but he knows he has from how dry his throat is. He pulls back the cover and sits on the side of the bed. He notices how badly he's shaking, he grips the beds metal frame and focuses on calming his breathing. The shaking subsides and he relaxes. His heartbeat returns to a steady beep, he begins to return to normal. He holds back a flinch as the door opens, a man with dark hair, dark eyes and tan skin walks in. "Glad to see you're awake and not screaming. I had to admit you had us worried." His tone is soft and humourous but Hux can't bring himself to even smile at the man, instead he stands up. "I'm Ge..." He stops himself before he finishes it. "Hux." "I'm Poe, the best pilot in the resistance." Poe shoots him a smile that makes him weak at the knees. "I'm here to thank you for bringing Ben back." Hux almost finds himself shocked at the praise.

"How is he?" He says quickly. "He's ok, he's still asleep though. You look exhausted, you often get nightmares like that?" Hux shakes his head. "Must have been bad for you to scream for so long." He is too caught up in his own head to stop himself from replying. "It was my father." He can't hide his shock at speaking his mind and covers his mouth with his hand. "I take it you First Order boys aren't allowed to speak out of turn about your patents." Hux shakes his head. "I get it, some people don't deserve to have children." Poe gives him a kind smile. "Come on, lets get you a drink and some food." He opens the door and gestures for Hux to follow him. They walk down hallways until they walk in to the mess hall. The place is alive with people, their conversations are loud and he feels surrounded. He wants to back out of the room but he reminds himself that he will give them the ability to win the war. He wouldn't cower from them. He holds his head high and walks in.

Poe gets Hux some food and sits in front of him. Poe begins to eat "Hey, eat something." Hux does he eats some of the food given, he doesn't complain about it. "When can I speak to General Organa?" Poe looks surprised. "I'll send a message." He pulls a datapad out and begins typing on it as he chews his food. "Now we wait. " Poe smiles at him and Hux wants to smile back but he keeps his face neutral. "You don't eat much, do you?" "Not really, I never really needed too." Poe looks at him. "Your father didn't let you eat much did he?" A part of Hux wants to yell him to go fuck himself. But he knew that it would damage the trust he was trying to build, if their was one thing Hux knew it was how to play on trust. "I never really wanted to eat." He says quietly. "It's a long story." "If you don't want to talk about it that's fine. But you're slim, you should try to eat more." Hux remembers his father saying something like that so he begins to eat again. "Hey, you don't have to eat if you don't want to. It was just a observation." Poe touches his arm lightly and he stops, he feels like he's a child again. "How do you know Ben?" He almost says Ren out of habit. "I used to know him before he went all Dark Side on us." "Oh." "How'd you meet him?"

"I'd just become general, it was the first time I met Snoke." Hux looks at Poe. "You can't tell anyone I told you about Snoke. Especially not Ben, promise me." His voice fills with panic but he knows what it's like to have the person that abused you thrown in your face by people that want to see you hurt. "Yeah, I promise." Poe looks taken aback. A beep from the datapad sounds out, Poe looks at it. "I'm to take you to see the General now. You ready." Hux stands grabbing his plate and following Poe to leave his plate on top of others where a cleaning droid was taking them away to be cleaned. "What's it like in The First Order?" Poe asks as they make their way to General Organas room. "It's certainly stricter then The Resistance. W... they strive for order in a somewhat chaotic galaxy." "You think there's order in stealing newborns from their parents to be raised to be killers?" Hux can hear Poes disbeliefin his voice. "There are always sacrifices to be made in every war that's ever been fought. Sacrifices always happen on both the winning and the losing sides." It is something his father had said to him to justify the recruiting Hux had seen on his trip to the far off planets in the unknown regions.

"There's a difference between men and women going to war truly believing in what they are fighting and dying for, and people being forced to obey because they have been conditioned to." Deep down Hux knows the pilot is right but his fathers face appears in his mind, his voice is telling Hux that these newborns are just tools to be used then disposed of when they have served their purpose. A thought passes through his mind _is there much difference between the Stormtroopers and Hux himself?_ "What's going on up there?" Poe asks politely with genuine curiosity. Hux almost tells him that he's planning to kill everyone on base but he can't bring himself to say the words. "I'm thinking of something my father said to me the first time I witnessed the troops being recruited." "Oh." "He told me that there are people that use others or there are the ones that get used." Poe stops so Hux does too. "This room." He motions a door on his right. "Thank you, Poe." Hux offers his hand to the pilot who takes it and gives him a devilish grin. "No problem, I'll be back when you're finished." Hux finds himself returning the smile and knocking on the door.

It opens with a soft whoosh revealing a desk covered in papers and datapads, behind it sits Leia Organa looking as if she hadn't slept a wink since he had last spoken to her. The door closes behind him and he greets her with a nod of the head. "General Organa." He stands straight with his hands behind his back. "I have a proposal for you." She raises an eyebrow and gestures for him to take a seat. "Please continue." He takes a seat and a deep breath. "I have decided to give you everything I know about The First Order for my freedom." He will give up all the information he can and then he will leave. "Well, I never expected this." "You get what you want and I get what I want. I have already forsaken The Order." "You want your freedom? That's all?" "Yes, I also want to see Ren before I leave." "Why do you want to leave? I assumed you would take refuge here with Ben." "I can't help him and we both know it." _I'm too broken to be able to help him._ It goes unspoken but Hux suspects that Leia already knows. "I have spent my entire life taking the lives of children to serve The Order, it's about time I gave the hope of a happier life even if it is for Ren." She looks shocked and saddened at the same time. "That pain I felt through the Force this morning, it wasn't Bens it was yours." It is more of a statement than a qeustion, he ignores it and carries on "I will go and when they send troops after me I'll tell them that Ren died."

Leia sits and looks at him. "Why?" _Because I'm not good enough._ "Does it really matter?" Hux looks at the woman sat before him and swallows his anxiety at betraying The Order. "Shall I begin then?" Leias face goes from the face of a mother to the face of a general within the space of a second. "Very well." So he does, Hux tells her everything he knows, he spills his guts. He lays everything out for her and afterward he feels like he has killed his own child, something he had nurtured and truly believed in. She has recorded everything he has said. "There you have it, everything I know." Leia watches his every single movement as he sits holding her gaze. "Would you permit me to see Ren? And if you would allow it I'd like to leave him a letter." She cocks an eyebrow at his odd request. "A letter?" Hux could almost hear her asking if he had lost control on his senses. "I want to explain something to him if you would permit it." Leia hands him a piece of paper and a pen. "Would you like a minute to yourself?" Hux swallows, shakes his head and begins to write out his message to Ren. "This is for Rens eyes only." He folds it and hands it over to her. "Don't worry it's not a plan to blow up the base." He says with a half smile. "I will make sure that it gets to him when he is awake. Would you like to wait for him to wake to visit him?" Hux stands up and looks down at the woman. "No. The sooner we get this over with the better." His voice is as cold as the look on his face. Leia pockets the note before standing aswell before she says "Very well."

They leave her office Hux follows her and Poe joins in as they walk to the medbay. Silence hangs in the air pregnant. Hux notices the surroundings as he enters. They walk in to the room where Ben lies in bed. The smell of bacta hits him like a fist. "He's going to wake up soon." Leia says almost warning him to be quick. Hux walks over to the injured Sith, he touches a limp hand of Ren. "I'm sorry." It is whisper faint. As soon as it is out of his mouth Hux pulls his hand away, steps back and turns to face a surprised Leia watching his every move around her boy. Poe stands at Leias side. He gives a half smile."That's it? No declaration of love?" Hux wants to punch him but that would be stupid. So he breathes his anger out. "That's it. I've said all I need to." Hux clasps his hands behind his back and looks as emotionally unaffected by the sight of Ren looking vulnerable. "Really? He gets beaten half to death and that's all you say?" Poe looks angry at Hux for not being emotional over the unconscious Knight. "Yes, that's it." He says coldly, all the kindness from before gone. "He'll live." Hux says taking the sight of Leia tensing. He wants to smirk but he doesn't. "It matters very little what I say and we all know it." Poe scowls at him, Hux notices that it doesn't suit him at all. Leia keeps her face unreadable.

They leave the room, Hux wants to go straight back in there but he knows he has burnt that bridge. Hux remains silent as they make their way to the Hanger. "Our time together is coming to an end." Leia doesn't even glance his way as she moves. "It is. Poe here will take you to an outpost. We have some civilian clothes for you other than that we can't offer you anything else but the option to stay." Deep down he wants to but he can't. Hux has no place here among these people, he had ordered the deaths of their friends. _I don't belong here no more than I belong with The Order._ He was not so foolish to believe that they would welcome him with open arms. He had been a General for the First Order and that is all they see when they look at him. "I don't belong here." He hates the way a wave of emotion goes through his voice, it almost cracks and Hux wants to shoot something. "You could, if you stay." Whatever the reason behind the kindness Poe has shown him. "You are foolish to believe that, I'm no more welcome here than I am on The Finalizer after our little chat earlier." The hanger is alive and buzzing with pilots and engineers tending to X Wings and various other ships. Hux feels eyes on them as soon as they enter.

They walk towards an older freighter, it's beaten and old but it is loved that much is clear. Leia stops them infront of the ramp before turning towards Hux. "This is your last chance to stay, try to think of Ben." Hux looks at the small woman infront of him. "I am." He offers his hand to her. "It has been a pleasure to meet you General Organa." She hesitantly takes it almost as if touching him is an act of treason in itself. "Thank you for bringing my son home." She has the voice of a mother he notices, full of love and hope. Hux doesn't remember his own mother, doesn't even kniw if she is dead or alive but maybe that is for the best. He had not lived up to expectations he had betrayed everyone. "Take care of him and give him my letter." Hux can see that Leia wants to know about the letter but he ignores it pretending he doesn't see her want to know what secret message her son has been left by a general of The First Order. "Goodbye, General Organa. I wish you well in the war to come." With that he turns on his heels and boards the freighter. Poe shares a few words with Organa before joining Hux. "Anywhere you want to go?" "The further away I am the better." Poe nods and begins the preflight prep. They take off in to space Hux feeling like he has left himself behind at the base, in medbay.


	4. Chapter 4

Kylo

He was floating in a sea of darkness, lost within the depths of his own mind. A fog clouds his mind as hands begin touching him, he wants to scream and fight them off him but his limbs are like lead. He lies on something softer than he remembers, voices fill his ears, a soft hand grabs his hand. He wants to smile until one of those hands runs through his hair, he can't help but think of his master making him use his mouth to service him. He forces that memory out of his mind only for it to be replaced by his masters last moments play behind his eyes, the shock in his eyes as Kylos lightsaber piercing his stomach, the way Kylo had shaken as his master had fallen forward on to him as the life had left those black sunken eyes.

He doesn't want to remember that, he doesn't want to be in so much pain, he just wants to forget that Kylo Ren had ever existed. Wherever he was he hopes they kill him soon. He would only destroy it all like he always does. He feels another hand grab his, the voice he hears is clear and familiar. "I'm sorry." He knows that voice, he had listened to that voice for years. He knows it's Hux, he wants to say "It was never your fault" but his mouth isn't working wait no part of him is working. He hears voices laced with anger. He reaches out with the force to feel who is with him. His heart breaks as he feels the presence of his mother, she has grown stronger with the force but not like he had. He had always used the force as a weapon whereas she uses it to protect not only herself but those around her. _I need to run, I'll only hurt her._ He focuses all his strength on trying to get his eyes open. When his finally does he slams them closed again, the light hurts like it always does. He forces himself to move at first it's a hand then his leg and soon he has his feet on the ground. He tries to stand only to end up on the floor, where he belongs.

He can't make himslef stand so he repositions himself so he's sitting on his bum. Sitting on the floor makes his bum hurt. He hears the door open. "Ben!" A voice screeches. He looks up to his fathers pale face looking down at him as he moves towards him. He can't help but think _Who am I now? Kylo Ren died with his master; am I Ben? I spent years trying to kill him. How can I be that dead boy?_ His father crouches down to him. "Hey kid, lets get you up." Han gently wraps his hands around his upper arms to pull him to his feet. Together they manage to get him back in the bed. "Why are you here?" His voice is hoarse and sore as if he had been screaming his head off and hadn't touched a drop of water in days. "Where else would I be kid?" Han covers him back up with the blanket. He wants to scream at the kindness he is showing his sons murderer. But Hans eyes are so full of hope and love that he can't seem to find the words. "You're stuck with me forever Ben." That faint light in the recesses of his mind gets a little lighter at the way he says that name. "Where's Hux?" He reaches out with the force but can't find him. "He left." The softness in Hans voice is like a punch to the gut. "WHAT?!" His voice cracks at the sudden scream but doesn't care, he needs Hux to help him like he always had.

Another voice hits him with "Ben." It hits him like a punch to the gut, he recognizes it instantly as his mothers. "Where the kriff is Hux?" He asks knowing the answer will hurt. "He left but he gave me this to give to you." Her hand goes in to her pocket to pull out a letter with 'Ren' on the outside. With a shaking hand he takes it. He can feel a sense of dread go through him from the letter. He lets a breath go and opens it. _"Ren, I know you're hurting both inside and out, trust me when I say I understand more than you realise but my leaving is for the best, we both know I can't help you. I don't fix things I break them and I can't risk you. You mean more to me than you realise you kriffing idiot. I just need you to know that it is not your fault and that my leaving is the best for us all. Accept your familys help and become a better man. Goodbye, Hux."_ He wants to burn it, cry and go after Hux but instead he sits on a bed semi naked staring at the words, feeling as if Hux has pulled his heart from his chest and stamped on it.

The only person that had supported him had abandoned him, a familar anger rises in his chest. He wants to scream and wreck things but instead he puts Hux's letter on the side of the bed. He pulls the blanket up to his chin and lies down feeling lost, empty and sad, so very sad it hurts. He turns away from his parents eyes as his own fill with tears. He hears the letter rustle slightly as one of them takes it to read it. He should stop them from reading something so personal to Hux but he can't make himself move. He feels his stomach gurgle and realises that he hasn't eaten in a long while. He doesn't need the force to feel the emotions rolling off of his mother in waves. Again he hears the rustling of the note going from his mother to his father. "Sweetie, he was only doing what he thought was best." His mother tries to soothe him but she doesn't know what Hux had done for him or how he had saved him over and over again. He and Hux had a certain connection. He had glanced in to the gingers mind once and been shocked to feel that all too familiar pain and to see a man hovering over him as the pain continued to tear through him. He hadn't shared the knowledge with Hux but he had found a level of respect for the man, he had been through so much already and he had taken on the responsiblity of taking care of him when he returned to The Finalizer beaten, battered and bleeding.

Han sighs loudly. There is one qeustion going through his head just repeating itself like a hologram stuck on repeat. "Who am I?" He whispers to himself barely audiable. "You are our son, I brought you in to the world, Ben." Her mother puts her hand lightly on his shoulder only for him to tense under her touch. "You left me, you hate me." His voice is cracking with emotion as he speaks. "We could never hate you, Ben. We sent you to Luke because we were worried about your connection to The Force. You should have stayed with us, we know that now." Leia speaks with such love that he almost wants to believe her but he had been shown different. "We love you with all of our hearts, kid."He had never considered that Han would hang around to see him, Han had always been the type to disappear for months only to come back with a few smiles and snappy comeback. "You were ashamed of me, I felt it." He wants to scream at his father but he can't find the strength to. "Kid..." "Just go." He says perhaps a bit too sharply as he immediately regrets doing so but it's too late to go back now. "I do love you." Han says before diaappearing from the room.

He feels the loss of Han as soon as the doors close, Ben wants to call him back. "Ben, we do love you. It's difficult being a parent, trying to decide what's best but we know that our decision was wrong." She cut off by Ben "You lied to me, you made me believe that the voice in my head was me going crazy. You kept the truth about Snoke from me, I was the one in danger and you still hid the truth." His mothers grief hits him like a slap to the face but he can't stop the painful words from coming out of him. "Do you know how many years I believed I was crazy? I was terrified and you just said that it was all in here." With a shakey hand he gestures to his head. "Snoke took me and told me the truth, he lied to me then hurt me and now I am here with the original liars." He looks over at his mothers face. She seems so old and tired and pained. Ben regrets his words as she leans down to him and plants a soft kiss on his brow. "My little prince." Her voice is so full of love and hope that it hurts him to even hear. "You should sleep." She says with a forceful push in his mind, Ben gives in to the emotional exhaustion and closes his eyes.

This time his dreams are full of all the times Hux would comfort after the times his master would hurt him in the name of training. Ben as Kylo hadn't noticed the look in Huxs eyes as he would help him in to the refresher to wipe away the mixture of bodily fluids coming from his body but he noticed it now, it was knowing look. Ben wakes up wanting Hux at his side again so he run his hand through the red hair that was always held in place by excessive amounts of hair gel. He turns his head to the side to see his father sat on the chair beside his bed asleep. The sight creates a warmth in his heart, he slowly and silently moves off the bed, he stands up uneasily. The world begins to spin but he focuses on calling the Force to him, he puts an arm out and begins to slowly pull Han from the chair and to the bed. He puts him in to the bed and covers him with one of the two blankets. He looks down realising that he's not wearing anything, he takes the top blanket and wraps himself in it. He then limps to the chair and eases himself down into the seat. Pain shoots through him as he tries to get comfortable in the seat. 

Ben tries to wrap himself up in the Force to ease his pain and for a minute he does. The relief he feels is overwhelming as the pain subsides and he closes his eyes trying to meditate but his master is there in his head tearing through it as if it were nothing. He gasps and opens his eyes half expecting to be with his master but he is greeted with the sight of a clean room and his sleeping father. Heforces himself to relax and slumps back in the chair. Ben wonders what time it is and if his mother is awake. He wants her but he knows that he doesn't deserve her so he sits and waits. Boredom sets in fast and he finds himself getting irritated. He closes his eyes again and drifts into a light sleep that is broken by a doctor. She looks between him and Han, her mouth pulls up at the sides before she scowls at him. "You should be the one in that bed." "He looked uncomfortable." He tries to defend. "Well you are the patient here. How are you feeling?" She sits on the edge of the bed. "Sore." "That's to be expected." She looks at him with a sad eyes. "I know but can I get some clothes please? I'm a bit cold." "Well that's because you are covered with a thin blanket." Ben shoots a small smile at her. "I'll get you some clothes, food and painkillers but before I'm going to check your stitches." He lets the blanket fall from his shoulders and to his lap. She kneels down, looking at it before poking it lightly Ben grimaces. 

"It looks to be healing nicely just try to be careful when moving around." She stands up, smiling. "I'll give you some scrubs and message your mother to bring you some clothes in the morning." she leaves then and Ben looks at the back of his sleeping father. "I'm sorry, father. I have done so much wrong, Snoke was right I can't touch anything without breaking it." Tears fall from his eyes and down his cheeks. The doctor enters the room with some blue trousers and a shirt, if she notices the tears she doesn't say it and she leave him to change. He pulls on the clothes and feels better immediately. "What the kriffing hell, kid?" Hans sleepy voice as he sits up in bed. "Why am I in bed and you're not?" "Well, you're old and I wasn't tired so I swapped us over." He smiles lightly and sits down with a light hiss. "You ok, kid?" Ben nods and runs a head through his hair. "Are you?" Han smiles at him. "I am now you're back." Ben wants to cry and almost does. "Is there anything you need?" "I want a shower with real water, clean clothes and Hux." His voice breaks at the mention of his general. "I can let you have a shower and new clothes but I can't help you with General Ginger." Ben looks at the floor. "I know, he's the only one that ever helped me." Han swings his legs off "Kid, you have us now. Me and your mom will help you." Ben feels his eyes fill with tears. "You mean it?" Han stands, walking over to him and wrapping his arms around his shoulders pulling him close. Ben feels oddly at home with his head in Hans chest.

He clings to his father openly weeping, Han rubs soothing circles between his houlder blades and tells him to let it all out but Ben can't if he did he'd hurt someone and break something. "I can't... I can't... I need to go..." Ben wheezes, pushing his father away gently and begins to stand. "Where do you need to go, Kid?" Han stands at arms length from him. "I need to leave. I'm going to hurt you." His voice is whisper faint as he begins to limp to the door. "Ben." His father says firmly. "You are staying right here with me and your mother." Ben scowls to which Han just smiles. "If you don't get in this bed I'm going to get your mother in here and tell her you want to leave." Ben looks at him and remembers all the times he would use that tone when Ben was a child. "She just got you back, if you think you can just leave then..." "I'm an idiot." Ben says softly. "Yes you are, kid but that's ok I'm an idiot too." Han smiles. "When will she be here?" Ben feels a deep ache in his legs, backside and back.

He feels uneasy on his feet, the world sways and Han rushes forward to grab him. Ben is almost dragged to the bed and pushed down. He winces as he comes to contact with the bed. "I'm sorry, kid." "It's better than I deserve." Han looks down at him frowning. "Snoke manipulated you and used you." Ben sits looking up at his father as they hear the door whoosh open. Both of them look to the door where his mother stands looking tired, she takes a step in and Ben pushes himself up, making his way to her. She has a bunch of clothes in her hands. His mothers face lights up at him but then her eyes darken when she sees his prominent limp. "Mother." He all but whispers to her. "Oh, my boy." He wraps his arms around her, Leias head rests against his chest, her tears fall and soak into his blue shirt. "I brought you some clothes." She says in a husky voice, they seperate reluctantly and she straghtens up and smiles at him. "I'm sorry." His mother helps Ben walk back to the bed. "It's ok." She sits down with him and he for the first time in a very long time he enjoys being with his parents as they comfort him. 

"When can I get out of here?" Ben sniffles loudly. "When you've healed properly." Han says softly. "I'm fine now though." He knows he sounds like a petlulant child. "No you're not." His mothers voice is too sharp and it causes him to flinch. "Kid, you can barely make it to the door." Ben looks at the floor. "It doesn't matter I need to get Hux." He looks at his fathers dark eyes and sees sympathy. He wants Hux to be the one looking at him. "Kid, he wanted some space, we'll find him another time." "We need you to heal first." His mother brushes his hair back and he holds back the images of Snoke that flash through his eyes. "But he's in pain." Ben clutches at his chest. "So are you." His mothers anger goes through him like a blaster shot. He can't tell if she's angry with him, Hux or Snoke. "He will be fine, Poe will return soon he will be so happy to see you awake." _Poe had seen me?_ His old friend was going to be happy to see him? The last he had seen of Poe Ben had been 10 years old being taken away to train with Luke, Poe had seen him off and Ben had cried as the voice in his head whispered how his family had betrayed him and had never loved him. "He wants to see me?" He was shocked to say the least. "Ben, he was here waiting for you to wake up." Leias voice is soft and spoken like a loving mother. "Your general seemed to get along with him very well." Han tries to soothe him but it fails, he misses Hux. Ben can only wait now to heal and search for Hux.


	5. Chapter 5

Poe

 

The ginger man had been stuck in a sullen silence even after they had landed, Poe had let him off the ship given him his credits and wished him farewell. The ex general had a certain sadness that clung to him; Poe knew that there was something more going on with him, something to do with his father. He suspected that it was the same thing Snoke had done to Ben, it would explain so much about his behaviour towards Ben. Now Poe quickly makes his way back to base; he needs to be there for Ben,  
he had failed him before when Ben had told him about the voice in his head. He had made jokes and laughed it off with Ben assuming he had made it all up. Then he had gone away to train and that bastard slimeball had wormed his way in to Bens head and they had brought down Skywalkers New Jedi Order. Now Ben was free, hurt but he still has his freedom.

It takes a few hours but he docks and disembarks from the ship. He rushes to the medbay and to Bens room; Han, Leia and Ben sit in there looking somber. The general and smuggler smile at him but he can't take his eyes off of the bruised man sat with his legs crossed on the bed with a half eaten portion on his lap. "Ben." He whispers as those dark haunting eyes meet his, Poe moves forward aware that he is grinning like an idiot. "Hey." He says as he drops to his knees beside the bed. "You'll hurt your knees doing that." Ben states matter of factly with his own grin. "How did it go, Poe?" Leia asks, her face devoid of all emotion. "That guy is one solemn guy." He says glancing back at her and Han. "He's not always like that. He'd always get quiet like that when I'd come back from Snoke." Ben looks at his hands. "Did he sit there digging his nails in to his hands?" Poe tilts his head to the side. "He does that often?" "Yeah, often I'd have to stop him from causing himself to bleed." He smiles at some memories Poe himself couldn't imagine being able to smile at but that might be because he hadn't had the same life experiences. His life had been full of love, happiness and hope but Bens whilst he'd been with Snoke had been the opposite. 

Han stands up, walks over to his son and puts his hand on his shoulder. "You ready to come to your new room, kid?" The smile Ben gives them holds so much relief that Poe feels it in his bones. "You're getting your own room now?" "Yeah." Poe flashes one of his signiture smiles full of love. "Cool, if you want I'll bring you some holovids." "You'd do that?" The qeustion catches him off guard there had been a time when the two of them wouldn't have needed to ask eachother qeustions like that, they would just appear in eachothers rooms ready to smile and laugh together as friends are meant to. "Of course." He wraps his hands around his old friend, he feels Ben stop breathing and freeze in his arms. Before anything else registers Poe flies over the room and held against the wall, a collection of "No! No! Not again!" reaches his ears and he looks at Ben. The man is pulling at his hair his whole body trembling as Leia and Han try to bring him out of his memory. Poe is released from the wall, his shoulders ache slightly but he's more interested in Ben. He has his head down so his face is hidden by his dark hair, Poe can hear him breathing way too hard to be healthy. "Ben, look at me." His voice is soft. "Do you remember when we used to pretend that we were X-Wing pilots?" Bens pale face looks up at him with a pained look in his eyes. "We would run around shooting drop TIE fighters." He smiles and he notices that Ben does too. "You were always better at that than me." Ben says with a slight chuckle.

Poe sees Ben visably calm down and his breathing slowly return to normal. "Well, what can I say? It's in my blood." All the tension in the room drains away and everyone in the room feels calmer. "It is so good to see you." Ben keeps his voice shy. "Ben, you'll be seeing much more of me I promise." Poe smiles at him, wanting nothing more than to pull Ben in to another hug. "I need to get some sleep as I'm due for a shift in half a cycle." Leia and Han give him a kind nod but Ben he offers his hand. Ben takes it with a smile. "Sleep well, Pilot." He smirks and Poe can't help but return it. Poe leaves the room, slowly making his way to his quarters. He walks in to his messy room and begins pulling off his clothes before collapsing in to bed. His dreams are full of him and Ben playing together as children then he watches Ben go from the boy he knew to the man in the medbay. He stands infront of the bloodied, battered tall man. "Why didn't you help me?" "You let me down, all of you let me down." he wakes up panting and sweaty to the sound of his chrono. "Shit." He jumps in to the refreasher quickly and then pulls on some of his clean clothes. After a very rushed breakfast Poe rushes to the hangar, to his sqaud. Afterall there is a war to win, they have to win it if not for The Republic for Ben.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I skipped a year.

Ben

 

Even after a year Ben had healed in all but mind, there were nights where he woke up panting covered in sweat. But he knows that he is free from both Snoke and The Order. Snoke was dead and gone but The First Order was still clinging to what little life it had in the form of Brendol Hux Sr. He had picked up what he and Hux had left, he was failing to keep it alive though as more and more officers and Stormtroopers abandon it only to go on the run. Ben understands, he had been torn for so long. Now that Luke had returned, he'd brought new trainee Jedis with him. But not him, he'd refused his uncles offer to train as Ben had all but given up using the Force he feels somewhat calmer. It was what everyone had always wanted, his fire to be tamed.

Ben smiles as he walks through the hangar where he sees Poe and an ex Stormtrooper Finn smiling at eachother and BB-8 rolling around their feet. The two had jelled imediately and soon began a relationship together, he honestly likes the two of them, he doesn't even hear Rey come up behind him. She grabs his sleeve and yanks him towards the happy couple, he doesn't need the force to feel her natural happiness, "If you're going to stare at least say hi." The scavenger is the person he should have been, her blinding light was meant to be his but darkness had consumed him in every way imagine. He was meant to bring new life in to The Jedi Order but instead he tore it down and paid the price. She outshines him, everyone sees it but they say nothing as they see him as being too fragile. "I know for a fact that Poe misses you." Ben pulls his arm away "Then tell him I said hi, I'm busy." He walks away from her in to the grey that is his life; he is neither good nor evil, black or white he will always be caught in a rift and he is alone in it. Perhaps he deserves to be alone but he'll never admit it. He walks to his fathers ship, he finds Han tinkering with it so he takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves and begins to help his dad. He can feel Chewie in the cockpit, the wookie would often soothe him when he was having a dark day and they are getting more common of late.

They spend nearly two hours, by the end of it they are both covered in grease and dirt. Ben sits at the seating area. "Kid, you ok?" He looks up at his father and smiles. "Yeah, just tired." He looks at man that had sired him. "You should go then, get some sleep." Ben begins to play with his sleeve. "I can't." He whispers. "The pills not helping anymore?" Ben can only shake his head. "What used to help you sleep before?" Ben looks at Han. "The good ginger general?" He doesn't want to admit that the he wants to hold Hux and he wants Hux to hold him, a slight blush spreads over his cheeks. "Ben, do you love him?" He lets out a groan. "It really doesn't matter. He's gone." "I know you love him, kid and you gotta find and fight for him." He stands up and slaps his hands together. "We're gonna go get him." "Dad, even if we found him, he'd probably refuse me." _Like he should._ Han looks at him with a look that says you're an idiot. "You two are so similar it painful to watch, kid." Ben looks at the floor not knowing how exactly to react to the comparison to Hux. "Kid, we're talking about the guy that thought that it was best for him to leave to give you the best chance. I'd say that you two love eachother." Ben lets a deep sigh out of his mouth. A growl comes from the cockpit and Han smiles. "Even the hairball agrees, kid." Ben looks at his fathers face and sees well hidden pity behind his cocky, self assured mask. "You don't have to force yourself to do anything because you pity me." Ben manages to keep his voice calm. "It's not like that, kid." Hans voice shakes and cracks a little. "I can see it. It's all over your face." Ben goes back to picking at his sleeve. "I'm just gonna go." He says as he stands up and puts on his dark jacket. "I'll see you later." He goes to leave only to be pulled in to a hug from behind by Chewie. "Let go of me." The arms hold him still and in his mind Hans face blurs and becomes the scarred, decrepit face of Snoke. He feels his legs turn to jelly and he sags against Chewie. Ben bows his head and begins to chant to himself who he is and where he is. A rough hand takes his chin and forces him to look at him. This time he sees his father looking back at him.

He sighs and looks at the man infront of him. "You with me, kid?" Ben nods and the arms around him loosen enough to just be there offering support. It's just another proof of his failure. "You went through something traumatic, both you and General Ginger, we're all here for you not to pity you or judge you; we just want you to be well." He can feel the emotion of his fathers words. "I'm not well, I don't deserve to be well, I'm nothing but this useless broken thing that everyone either pitys or despises." His self hatred leaks through and it hits his father like a pail of ice cold water. Chewie growls something Ben doesn't listen to as he pushes away and flees The Falcon. Luke comes up the ramp to him; Ben can almost feel him asking _what have you done now?_ "Ben, are you alright?" He nods and moves away as fast as he can. He's not fast enough when Poe shouts "Hey, Ben!" He waves slightly before picking up the pace and not stopping until he is safely in his dark room. His time with The Order had done nothing to make him clean up after himself, a pile of dirty clothes wait for him to take them to be washed and his bed is a mess. In the darkness he feels able to breathe again, he feels free so he takes off his jacket, top and his bottoms; adding them to the pile before making his way to the refresher. He opts for the tub, he likes to fill it up climb in and dunk his head underwater. He washes the grime off of him before he climbs out and begins drying himself. He walks back in to his room to see Poe, Finn, Rey and Luke sitting on his bed. He feels too exposed with only a towel to cover himself with, _they can see my scars and they'll know._

There are four sets of eyes looking at him but he can only look at the floor. The scars on his shoulders had long faded in slight discolourations but the newest of the bite marks still remained in the distintive shape of teeth. "I thought you had drowned in there for a minute." Poe jokes but Ben can feel apprehension in the air. He can't help but think that it'd be better if he had. He has a thousand qeustions but he can only ask one. "Why are you here?" He hates how scared he sounds but he is. It has been over a year since anyone had seen this much of his skin. "Because you keep pushing everyone away and no one can figure out why." Rey says with slight contempt in her voice. She will never forgive him for what they believe happened at The Jedi Order. "We just want to help, R- urm Ben." Finn has always been nervous around him and perhaps he always will be. When he had been with The Order he had terrified Stormtroopers in to following his orders and maybe he had even commanded Finn at one point but he doesn't remember feeling his presence. The fear is what Finn held on to more than his love for Rey. "You really want to help?" They all nod as they smile at him and he feels guilt unfurling in his chest. He wants to have his fathers snark but it just comes out as mean. "Shut the door on your way out." He turns (ignoring the slight gasps at the sight of his scarred back) walks to his draws, pulls out a clean pair of sleeping clothes and retreats back in to the refresher. Ben wants them gone before he comes out. He dresses, the clothes are baggy on him which he loves and when he walks out to the four of them are still on his bed. "We aren't leaving until you tell us why you've been avoiding us." He crosses his arms at Reys tone. "I am tired, I want to sleep so please leave so I can at least try to." She stands up, moves infront of him and pokes him in the chest. "You are a such child, you cut yourself off from the rest of the world so you can what? sit here on your own and pretend that we all hate you?" He looks in to the lovely brown eyes and seeing anger and contempt. He knows he deserves it but his nerves are fried and his temper flared exhausting him. "Get out." He growls at her to which she just smiles a dark smile and carries on her verbal attack on him. "You hurt everyone, you hurt your dad earlier and came here to sulk like a CHILD." He flinches at her words not her raised voice before Poe tells her to stop it.

Poe sticks up for him against Rey but he tunes out of their conversation as his mind goes to the first time he had been called a child in that way it was the first time Snoke ever laid a finger on him, he had _been_ a child then just thirteen, reeling from the death of his fellow padawans and his first ever kill. He'd been taken to Snoke by his Knights and when they had left his Master had ordered him to strip. There were hands all over him, the feeling of hips against the back of his thighs and the cold spiderlike hand on the back of his neck, of course the smell and crawling feeling of blood making it way down his thighs. And after Snoke had finished with him he had told Ben "Don't ever disobey me again boy or I will not be so lenient on you because you are a child." They echo around his mind until a hand gently touches his shoulder. He violently finches and takes a step back from the hand that belongs to a very concerned looking Poe. "You with us, bud?" He says in a low voice, Ben gives a shakey nod and looks at the perplexed faces of Finn, Rey and Luke. "I want to try to sleep, please." He can't keep the tiredness he feels out of his voice. Poe turns to the three Jedis and tells them to "Give us a minute." To their credit they do. Luke lingers the longest as if he's hoping that they will reveal their secret to him but they remain silent until he too leaves. "You're not alone you know? I'm here, your parents are here, hell even your doctor is here for you. People don't know what happened and we kept it that way for you. You can talk to any of us about what's eating at you." Anger flares in his chest making Ben want to punch something hard, to feel the burn of pain course through his veins. "But you don't understand what he did to me or what it's like for someone to take everything that makes you you away and leaves you hollow inside. He ripped me from my family, killed my fellow padawans then turned me into a killer and violently raped me from the age 13. Every person here hates me and I don't know what to do to make it better. I can't eat, sleep or even be fucking touched by the people I care about the most."

He pyshically deflates after his rant, all the emotions that have been locked up pour out and Ben feels lighter and _tired_ , so very tired. Poes face is a mixture of horror and understanding. "I'm glad you told me but you need to go to sleep. Come on." He motions for Ben to go to the bed. "Poe, I'm so tired." He almost whispers, Poe tidies the bed up so Ben can lie down and he does. "Ben, I'll be here in the morning to talk." The golden skinned pilot gives him a kind smile and Ben nods at him. He is drawn in to the darkness of his mind. He dreams of him and Poe, running after Chewie smiling and playing together. He then thinks of Huxes rare smile he got when they used to trade insults and Hux won. He opens his eyes to see his mother kneeling next to his bed. "M-mom?" She smiles at him. "Ben." She breathes out and he sits up. Poe is stood next to the door, smiling slightly in relief. "Poe?" He rubs his sore eyes and yawns. "How long was I asleep?" "All night." He now finds himself smiling. "Really?" He finds himself asking. "Yeah, you slept a whole eight hours." Poe says. "See, I said that you needed sleep." "I dreamt of you when we used to chase Chewie trying to climb him." He glances at his mother to see her smiling at the memory. "You two got along so well." She murmers. A knock sounds at the door _Luke_ Poe opens the door to see the Jedi standing there looking between the three of them.

Luke enters the room before walking over to the bed. "There is a secret being kept from me regarding you and Snoke." Poe fails to look at Luke, Leia looks to Ben and Ben looks at his floor. What do we say? Hangs in the air between the three of them. "Ben, what we say is up to you?" Leia says softly in a reassuring way. "I-I..." the rest doesn't come out so he forces himself to stand and walk to the bathroom. He wants to puke at the thought of people knowing and he does, he falls to his knees and begins to heave; with nothing in his stomach he throws up bile. "Oh, Ben." His mother rubs soothing circles on his back. He vomits up all the bile he can, his eyes are blinded by tears and his throat burns like it's been sandpapered. "Please, don't tell." Although his voice is a whisper, it echos in the toilet bowl as he rests his sweaty head against the rim of the toilet. "Shhh. Just breathe, ok." He puts all his focus in to breathing. "Ben, whatever this is you can talk to me about it." He doesn't need to look behind him to know that Luke stands in the door way watching the scene with his blue eyes. "You'll hate me." He says to the toilet. "I can promise I won't." He feels the loss of Leias hand. "Ben..." He suddenly wants someone else to tell Luke about Snoke and what did he but he knows that they won't without his go ahead. He turns his head to where Leia was sat only to find Luke kneeling beside him. "Snoke hurt me." He keeps keeps his voice low like it matters who hears him. Lukes hand goes to his hand and begins to smooth down his hair. The action brings a memory to the surface.

_He has just left Lukes academy in ashes after the Knights came. He stands there in his robes covered in blood feeling completely numb to everything. Before he can think a voice orders him to strip so he begins pulling his clothes off until he is naked, those long, cold hands push Ben against the stone alter infront of him. He hisses at the touch of the cold stone against his bare chest. "This is your punishment for making me wait and your reward. for ridding me of the previous Kylo Ren." The words are deep and husky. He is confused and scared as Snokes finger wrap around the back of his neck pushing him down. He wordlessly screams when something is pushed in to him without care or preparation, he cries out with every thrust that Snoke brutally gives him. He feels something wet running down the inside of his thighs as Snoke leans over Bens thin frame to sink his teeth deeply in to the flesh of Ben shoulder earning even more blood. Ben hates himself as a loud whimper leaves his mouth when Snoke pulls out of his body. One of those long, spidery hands tries to smooth his wild hair down before he is yanked up and forced to stand through the burning pain in his lower end. Snoke carresses his cheek, wiping away the tears of pain that have leaked down his face. "Shhhh. You did well." He is pulled in to a hug, black robes drink him in and he sobs out of fear, pain and humiliation. "Your family has failed to protect you, they know that you deserve the darkness." A dark voice hisses in to Bens ear and he finds himself believing it as the pain continues._

He looks at Luke who shows no change, he just keeps petting him softly. His legs are uneasy when he stands. The more he has to move, the more the room spins Ben just wants to sit down. He falls on to his bed with his head down, Luke says someting to Leia and Ben just tunes out to their voices. The door opening brings him out of his thoughts Rey enters the room with tears in her eyes. "What's the matter, Rey?" Luke asks her, his voice is full of concern not that Ben can blame him for asking her what's wrong she has never looked upset like this, not even when she was a little kid. She rushes over to the bed and pulls Ben in to her arms.  Her arms pull his forehead to her shoulder. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" She sounds both pissed off and heartbroken. "All this time I thought you were moping around..." She stops herself from speaking, he begins to rub her back trying to comfort her. "I'm so glad you killed that bastard." She had seen what had been done to him. "I'm sorry." He says in to her shoulder. Rey moves away from Ben and sits beside him on the bed with her arm across his shoulders. "You were young." She states as he focuses on his hands feeling the eyes of his mother, Luke and Poe on him. "I felt what he did to you, well I think I did." "You felt an impression of his pain." Luke informs her. "No one was meant to see that." "What did you see?" Luke asks Rey wanting to know how her powers are developing. "The first time." Bens voice is meloncholy. "He had just brought down the Jedi Academy and killed Kylo Ren." Rey states to the others and Ben wants to snarl at the accusation of him killing the other padawans. "I didn't kill them." He growls out, he feels the disbelief in the room. "Snoke had been telling me that something bad was coming and that he was the only one that could teach me enough to save the others. I told him I didn't want anyone to die so he sent the Knights of Ren to the academy to retrieve me, when they landed they began to slaughter everyone. I saw a weapon, grabbed it and killed Kylo Ren." Silence falls heavily on to them. He looks in to the distance as he remembers the weight of the metal in his hand as he had struck down the knight. 

"He tried to kill you. You were the only one I was able to save." The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. "Wait, what?" Luke asks gobsmacked. "I saved Rey and sent her in to hide before I left." Leia steps towards him looks deep in to those eyes and asks "Why didn't you kill her, Ben?" He looks deep in to those eyes that are so similar to his own. "I couldn't, I looked at her and I just couldn't." He takes a deep breath. "I couldn't kill Luke either. He ordered me to but I couldn't." His mother wraps her arms around his neck and pulls his head to her body. "Oh Ben." Luke utters. "Is that why he called it your punishment?" Rey says at his side. Leia pulls away from him so Ben can nod, he catches her pale face as Ben looks to Luke. "I didn't want to do any of it but he said if I didn't he'd kill everyone and everything I care about." Rey rests her head in the crook of his shoulder and he can't help but think of how he had done the exact same thing to Hux after Snoke had finished with him. "Who was he?" Rey asks, he doen't need to ask who she means. "His name is Hux." He smiles just thinking of Hux and the rare affectionate way he'd act when it was just them. "Ah, General Ginger." Poe says with a smile of his own. "You met him?" She asks the golden pilot. "Yes, when he brought Ben back, well with Han of course." Leia looks at Luke and his confused gaze. "General Hux deserted The First Order with Ben and brought him back to us." She explains. "Where is he?" Rey asks and the room goes silent. "Gone." He says before reaching under his pillow for the note. He gives it to Rey she reads it and sighs. "Damn that's tough. You two seem both as stubborn and stupid as each other." She gives a lighthearted laugh and Ben can't help but do the same. "We are but he's smarter than me, he managed to deal with what was happening whereas I didn't." "Hence the reason Finn is so scared of you." Luke concludes, Ben knows that it's true. He had allowed the pain to overtake everything but never again. 

"How did you two meet?" Rey asks him trying to ease some of the tension that had settled over the room like a blanket. "He had just become General and had been given command of The Finalizer when Snoke sent me to oversee preparations for finding Luke. As soon as we met we hated eachother." He laughs at the memory of punching Hux in the face. "It took us three days to come to blows, I ended up punching him in the face. I don't even remember what we were arguing over." "Why did he help you the way he did then?" Rey is full of qeustions it seems. "He saw himself in me. When he first saw me without my mask, he didn't gasp at my bruises or the blood. He just handed me my mask and told me to follow him." He stops looking at his hands. "He cleaned up the blood, put an icepack over the swelling and told me that it's better to relax and try to focus on anything other than the pain." He can't help but think of the way Hux brushed his sweaty hair out of his eyes and off of his damp forehead, Ben had smiled at the ginger man and surprisingly the man had smiled back then told him to slep. Rey smiles at the memory and says "He was really sweet to you." Ben looks at her, the light inside of her shines brightly only getting brighter when she smiles. "He was." He agrees. "I say we track him down." Poes voice is light and happy despite the darkness of the topics they are referencing. "Yeah, I want to meet the one that has stolen your heart." Rey pinches his cheek with a smile. "If he doesn't want to come back we can't force him too." Leia reasons and Ben can't help but agree with her. "Atleast track him down to see how he is." Ben considers it for a moment, it would be glorious to see Hux againeven if it was brief.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been over a year since he had left Ben Solo; Hux had been jumping planet to planet ever since. The war is all but over; The First Order is all but gone, Hux feels the loss in his heart. Everything he had ever trained for, worked for had offically been destroyed. He had lost everything; The Order even Ben. Out of all the things he has done the only thing he regrets more is leaving Ben. He had become quite fond of the ex Knight of Ren. Perhaps he had even come to love the man that occupied his every waking moment. But it matters not Hux had left and saved Ben from knowing just how much he would destroy the other man if he had allowed himself to remain with him.

But now Hux lies under a man as he tries to imagine that it is Ben. Hands grip his hips, pushing in to him as hard as possible. Hux tries to see long dark hair instead of dirty blonde hair. After months of swapping sex for transport, he can barely feel anything anymore when it comes to sex. When the man finishes in him, the only thing he feels is relief as he pulls out. He dresses quickly and flees the ship. He has no idea what planet he is on or where to go next, his mind has gone blank. All he has is a few measly credits in his pockets and an ache in his ass. He runs a hand through his unwashed, dirty hair that reaches the bottem of his neck. Hux walks down a street, using the pain to keep himself centered on moving his legs. A cantina stands to his side and he hears music coming from inside, he walks in and up to a crowded bar. Hux orders the cheapest drink they have and he sits in the last empty booth, drinking it slowly at first. A sense of hopelessness comes over him and he sits there looking in to the crowded bar. All of these people won't remember him, the only person that will is Ben but he is far away from the man he knew as Kylo Ren. Hux just downs his drink and sits at the table looking his hands. He can't help but think of how these same hands had helped Ben get clean, heal and even soothed his nightmares at night. He finds himself wanting to see Ben one last time before he ends it.

A soft, kind voice jars him out of his sullen silence and brings him back in to reality. "I take it you're Hux." His head snaps up to look at a man with dark greying hair and beard, with kind blue eyes. "Sorry but I have no idea who that is." He trys to keep his voice cold but he fails, emotion cracks in his voice. "My nephew misses you terribly." He says softly as he sits down beside him. _Ren misses me? Does he not understand that it's better this way_? Hux looks down at his empty cup silently wishing it would refill itself. "He missed you as soon as he woke up." They can't know that it's me, they probably want to take him back to D'Qar but if they do so they will have to drag him there kicking and screaming. "I'm not the person you think I am." He pauses for a moment. "You should go." Seemingly unconvinced Luke Skywalker stays sat next to him and keeps talking.  "You want another drink? Han is at the bar." Hux looks over to see Han kriffing Solo and his wookie Chewbacca carrying a bottle and four cups over to the booth. The man has barely aged but his eyes seem to have changed they seem to be brighter, with more life than the first time he met him. "Hey, kid. I see you've met Luke Skywalker." He sets everything down, sits down and begins to pour out their drinks. Hux knows he has to get out of here sooner rather than later.

It has been a long year for The Resistance, he may not remember him. There are a lot of people running from The Order. "You have the wrong person." Hux says hoping they will leave him alone to wollow in self pity. But instead the smuggler just gives him a smirk and says "Like hell I do. You forget that unlike Luke I've seen you before." He smirks in a way that reminds him of Ben. "I'm not that person anymore." _Gods, I sound just like him._ He stands up too fast and pain flares through him. "You're hurt." Luke says tapping the cheap leather of the booth. "It doesn't matter anymore." Hux takes one of the full cups, drains it and straigthens his clothes slightly. "Don't you atleast want to see Ben before?" He and Ben have more in common than he thought. Hux wants to argue and tell him to get out of his head but instead he just says. "The further I am from Ben the better, trust me." "You don't have to go off yourself, kid." Han is pale as he speaks. He feels a horrible pain in his chest where his heart was once. "I haven't got anything else to carry on for. I'm just a failure, I'm useless, I can't help anyone least of all him. It's just better this way." He looks between the men and gives them a kind smile that he can only imagine looks odd on his stubled, dirty face. "Thank you for the drink and your offer of help, now goodbye gentlemen." He begins to walk away when an enormus hand waves over his head and he falls in to a deep sleep. He doesn't dream, his mind is blank but he likes it as he doesn't feel anything not pain or hopelessness, he just feels content. A voice sounds through his head, he reconizes it but he can't understand what it's saying. He feels lighter, the black turns in to grey then slowly turns in to white. Hux opens his eyes and looks around,  the room is dark but not too dark that he can't see. He can hear the breathing of someone sat next to the bed. "Hux..." The whole world seems to stop at that voice. _Ren_.

Hux covers his eyes with his hands only to have Ben pull them away. "It was a really shitty thing to do, you know leaving me." His voice is meloncholy and guilt settles in his stomach. "I..." He is cut off by Ben continuing his verbal scolding of Hux. "I get it. I know what it is to feel that you aren't good enough, that you break everything you touch but I could have helped you. Instead you ran away and left me alone." Hux feels like he has been slapped aound the face, had he not foresaken _everything_ for this man child. "Hey! That's not fair! You have your family; I have nothing, not even you." Guilt becomes hatred and gnaws away at him. "You are an idiot, you never lost me." Ben lifts up the blanket, crawls in beside him and pulls him close to his chest. Tears of built up pain and humiliation leak from his eyes. "I killed him, you know?" "I already know that you killed Snoke you moron." He says with a slightly teary laugh. "Not Snoke, your father." Hux freezes and is overcome by the feeling of being trapped beneath the man. He feels hands forcing him to allow him to do unspeakable things. He hears Ben whisper to him "Hux, stay with me." But he can't seem to make himself remain with the ex Sith. He drifts deeper into a memory of cold wood of his fathers study underneath his knees, firm flesh between his lips and a hand tangled tightly in his hair.

"Hux! It's not real, you're not there." Warm arms drag him out of it. "Come back to me." Hux looks in to those big brown eyes. "Did he suffer?" Ben nods with no hint of a smile. "Good." He smiles at Ben, the man he had wanted to see for so long that it had hurt. "Do you want a bath? I have a tub." Hux wants to stay in bed with Ben but he feels dirty from the sex he had had to pay for his passage to the planet. "I can join you if you'd like." He says in a slightly seductive tone. "You just want to see me naked." Hux counters with a grin. "Well, I thought that was obvious." They laugh together and leave the bed. Hux has been out there too long for him to be embarrassed as they both bare themselves to each other. But he is all too aware of the marks on his hips, he knows that Ben will not want him if he sees them so he keeps his hands on his sides covering them.  "You're ashamed of these." Ben says as he moves infront of him, obsenely large hands gently stroke the finger marks on his hips. "You don't need to be, they will fade with time." Hux finds his heart fluttering as Bens hand traces up over his side and his fingertips trace over some of Huxes newest scars. "You're going to need to tell me the stories of how you got each and every one of these." Bens voice is light to his ears. Hux wants to begin to laugh as he notices that they have matching scars. He wraps his large hand around Huxs and leads him in to the washroom. Ben begins to fill up the tub and sits on the side of it with his hand dangling in the water. "You'll feel so much better after this, trust me." Hux looks in to those brown eyes before wrapping his arms around Ben. Tears run freely down his face as he sobs. "Bren, it's ok." All the loneliness and despair that he had bottled up over the year come out. "I-I mi-missed you." He says through his sobs. "I missed you too." Ben wraps his arms around his middle, wetting his back those enormas fucking hands, Ben buries his head in Huxes shoulder.

They pull away from eachother and Ben stands up to run a hand through Huxes hair. "I like your hair like this but we need to get it clean." Hux finds himself smiling, hoping that this with Ben isn't a dream. They climb in the tub together, Hux sits with his back against Bens chest. He sighs as Ben gets his shampoo and begins to rub it in his hair. The sweet smell of apples hits him as fingers massage his scalp. "So, you do this often?" Hux japes. "Well, I learnt from you." Ben chuckles but Hux remembers the pain, blood and anger of those times. "You've got to focus on here and now, not the past." "Out of my head, now." Hux warns him. "You think too loudly." He can almost feel Ben smiling behind him. Ben scoops up water and begins to rinse the shampoo from his hair. "I'm going to clean you ok?" Hux nods slightly then a soapy sponge begins to wash over his chest. He moans despite himself as Ben washes him all over just as he had done a year ago. "After this we'll get clean clothes and food." Hux turns his head and plants a light kiss to the side of Bens mouth. "If you're going to kiss me at least do it properly." Ben turns him so they can share a warm deep kiss. They are breathless when they pull away from eachother. "Is that your way of saying thank you?" Hux can't help but smile. "No it's my way of saying shut up and kiss me." And so they do.

When they leave the tub the blood is running hotly in Huxs veins. Hands take his arms softly and pull him towards Bens solid form until their chest touch. "Gods, I've missed you." Ben utters and Hux leans in to him. "I'm sorry." Hux says not entirely sure about what he is apologizing for, Ben touching him or him leaving. The ache in his ass has all but faded; Hux shivers as fingers lightly stroke down his ribs tracing the scars there. "Don't be stupid Huxxy. I could never love you any less than I already do despite what you think." Hux lets his hand go to Bens soft hair before tugging it harshly earning a sharp intake of breath from Ben. "Don't call me that." He says with a slight grin as Ben scowls at him. "Never and I mean never touch the hair." Ben says with humour in his voice. "Ok. Consider me warned." He grins before leaning in to kiss Ben. The moment their lips touch Bens hands go around his chest and pulls them even closer to eachother. Hux is left panting when they finally pull away from eachother. "We should go and get some food now. You're too skinny." Ben disappears in to his bedroom, Hux follows him his hair wetting his shoulders. The room is messy but nothing like the room he had on the Finalizer. "Wow you are actually able to keep things in a semi organised state." He japes as Ben throws a pair of boxers at him, which he puts on. "Have you got anything that will fit me?" Ben scoffs, throws a light yellow T shirt at him and a pair of brand new training trousers that look a little long. He pulls on the clothes, the top is a little baggy and the trousers bunch up at his feet. "Here, tuck your tousers in to these." Boots are planted at his feet so he sits on the bed and puts them on. "Ben..." He waits for the dark haired man to look at him before he says "Thank you." The smile he gets is one of the best things Hux has ever seen, it fills him with the need to feel it against his own lips. "Hux, there is no need to thank me." Ben pulls on boxers of his own. "But thank you." 

Ben dresses and Hux runs his fingers throught the thick dark brown hair that reaches well past his shoulders. "Come on, some people want to meet you." They leave the room and begin walking through the coridors. They walk in to the cafeteria Hux reconizes the pilot Poe Dameron who is sat with a dark haired girl, a orange and white round driod and a man that looks vaguely familiar to Hux, he is convinced that the man knows him too. "Guys, this is Hux." Ben says as all eyes fall on him, Hux refuses to squirm under their gaze. "I've seen a lot of you." The girl says with a polite smile. "Seen?" _How the hell had she seen me?_ She points to her head and it clicks in his. "Oh." Ben sits down next to the man Hux is sure he has seen before. "How you doing buddy?" Poe asks him with one of his lovely smiles. "I'm better now. How are you?" He tries to be as polite as possible. "I'm great, it's good to see you again." Hux sits down beside Ben. "This is Rey and this is Finn." Hux looks at the man he sort of knows. "Finn defected from The Order." Rey says her mouth half full. "I was a Stormtrooper." Finn says in a small voice. "Oh." He doesn't speak after that. Ben goes gets them some foo, as they eat Ben and the others share jokes. Hux listens but keeps him mouth firmly shut. _I am causing Finn pain, I should just go back to Bens room and leave them to their jokes._ He tries preparing a story to excuse himself without looking like a dick when Rey reaches a hand over to take his. "Where'd you come from Hux?" Both he and Ben pause, Rey Finn and Poe look at them nervously. "I was raised on Arkanis." "What's it like?" She asks trying to draw him out of his silence. "Cold, wet and harsh." 

_He remembers the feeling of rain cooling his skin after his father had taken a belt to him after he had cried at seeing a mother clutching her baby to her chest begging them not to take it. "You worthless little shit." His father had screamed at him when they had returned home. His father had taken him outside, stripped him down and had left him with welts on his back. He had only been six, his pain barrier hadn't been that high so when he had taken the belt he had sobbed.  He heard a zipper being pulled down then his fathers booming voice say "If you're going to be a little bitch then I'll treat you like a little bitch." Then there was pain; it was white, hot and consuming._ A hand goes to his shoulder bringing him out of the twisted memory. He can't help but flinch at Ben whispering "He's dead, you're not there anymore." in his ear. He looks up at all of them, heat rises to his face as they look at him. Hux stands up abruptly at seeing their faces, they look concerned even Finn. He walks away from him and Ben quickly follows him to a refresher where he pukes up everything he just ate. Ben is at his side "I'm sorry it's the memories." He pants and spits in to the toilet, he picks his head up to look at Ben. "It's the shitty food." He says as he forces a smile. "Glad to see you're charming as ever Hux." They share a laugh, they sit there smiling at eachother until a knock sounds at the refresher door. "Are you unwell Hux?" He knows that voice, Leia Organa. "Mother." He looks up at Bens smile, he decides that it's the sight he wants to see everyday. He forces himself up, wipes his mouth on a piece of toilet roll and looks at Leia. Her eyes are still hard but look less untroubled, lighter even. Hux feels pride at that, he brought Ben back to him he gave them information that turned the war in their favour. "General Organa, it is a pleasure to see you again."  

His voice is polite. "I must say you look better than you did when you came back." She smiles at him and for the first time ever Hux notices that mother and son share the same smile. "That is due to your son." It was true, he had been well taken of by Ben. He had cared for him let him sleep in his bed and even cleaned him knowing that he had allowed another man to have him not long before he had been brought here. "He has your smile." He himself smiles as the both of them look at him. "You get most of your qualities from your father but your eyes and your smile are from your mother." Hux can't help but explain to Ben. "Unfortunately he got his common sense from Han." They share a laugh and they all feel the better for it. "Hey! I am right here you know." Ben says with a huff. "Oh trust me I know." Hux laughs. "Well, Hux I am ruely glad that you are feeling better." "Thank you, General." "Why don't you come to dinner tonight?" He can't help the look of sheer. _She can't possibly mean it._ "Oh but I do." He recoils at her answering the thought he hadn't spoken aloud. "Sorry but you are rather loud when you think." She smiles and Ben takes his hand in his. "He never knows when to shut up either." Bens jape makes something in his chest tighten. "Hux as long as you still breathe you will always have a place at my table." She steps closer to him, Hux can't help but think that he stinks of vomit and sweat from heaving, Leias soft hands are placed either side of his face. Hux wonders if this is a side of her reserved for her nearest and dearest and maybe he is now one of them. "You saved my son and brought him back, I can never thank you enough." Before he can stop himself he pulls her in to his chest, he feels her tense then relax in to his chest. He quite likes the feeling, he lets her go and apologizes.Ben remains silent at his side and he has never been more happy for the silence from the ex Sith. "There is no need to apologize, Hux. I will see you both later then." Leias voice is soft and she even smiles at him as both He and Ben nod. He can't help but feel like things will get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to end it on a happy note as it is my birthday :) But I really hope you enjoyed reading it.


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